Our preteen son has been absolutely obsessed with cooking lately. Through the power of Youtube, he has been able to master new cooking techniques, learn about exotic new ingredients and spices, and try out tasty new recipes for the entire family. Nick Digiovanni and other Youtube chefs have kept him engaged in a way that experimenting on his own or using a print cookbook could not. Through digital media, he is learning a set of skills that he will keep the rest of his life.
At the same time, our son is equally obsessed with watching Mr. Beast and Unspeakable. For every video our son watches about searing techniques and knife skills, he watches an equal (or greater) number of videos on important educational topics like (a) who can keep their hand on a private jet the longest in order to keep it, or (b) what happens when you fill a house full of Orbeez (Spoiler Alert: it turns out that your house is just permanently filled with millions of tiny wet balls). And while you might argue that he is learning to be philanthropic by watching Mr. Beast give things away, somehow I don't think this is a practical skillset that benefits a 12-year-old as much as actually learning how to cook.
Screens can be a magical part of a parenting toolkit, giving exhausted parents a much needed break and allowing families with rowdy kids (read: us) the opportunity to successfully venture out to a restaurant with some semblance of volume control. Tablets and smartphones can also be a portal for accessing nearly unlimited educational and creative content, helping children learn to draw, read, write, learn a foreign language, or how to code, build, or fix things.
However, with great power comes great responsibility. Because screens are so good at engaging kids, there is a strong risk of being pulled into the digital vortex. Screens can be such a draw that kids can start to prefer them over time spent with family, friends, and real world experiences. Preteens, on average, spend 4-6 hours a day on screens, while teenagers spend up to 9 hours a day on digital devices.
For chronically overworked and overwhelmed parents (and even the everyday parent), screen overuse can happen so gradually that no one even notices until it has taken over. We know, because we've been there on more than a few occasions. In fact, as I write this post, my oldest son is playing Fortnite while Facetiming with a friend, my youngest daughter is watching Youtube Kids, and my middle two are watching a cartoon on TV.
We knew that we had to do something when our oldest child began to use "feeling tired" as his justification for needing the iPad. Over time, he had conflated zoning out on Youtube with true, restorative rest and couldn't fathom having downtime without a tablet in front of him.
Heck, Erin and I have also been guilty of mindlessly being on our phones when lying in bed, waiting at the doctor's office, sitting on the toilet, or having any downtime at all. It's as if we have been conditioned to the point that we can longer just sit in the silence with our own thoughts. Nowadays, we work hard to break these habits and try (and often fail) to embrace the stillness when we are walking somewhere or waiting for something.
With screen overuse, there are many potential risks:
Impeding on family time and social interaction
Limiting play, learning, and physical activity
Impeding sleep quality and quantity.
Relying on screens as an emotional regulation tool
Impeding on Family Time and Social Interaction: Humans are social creatures who rely on regular interaction to drive language, emotional, and brain development. When we deprive the brain of this social stimulation and instead swap in passive screen use, we can impede and delay this development, especially in infants and toddlers. When children have too much exposure to screens, it is associated with delayed development, which has been measured in scientific studies using language tests, intelligence tests, and measurable thinning of the brain's cortex.
Screens can be so good at providing constant visual and audio stimulation that social interaction and run-of-the-mill, non-electronic toys and activities pale in comparison. Example: at one point our younger son became so obsessed with Roblox that he didn't want to play outside with his siblings or even leave the house. He was prioritizing screens over family, friends, and all other activities. Our other kids have also been guilty of this - wanting to hurry home from a fun family outing in order to continue playing a new video game, or wanting to skip soccer practice to be able to watch more Youtube.
Kids also need regular social interaction in order to build their social competencies and confidence. Screens limit this interaction and can contribute to less socially skilled youth. For older children who have social challenges and delays, the comfort and predictability of video games and other forms of digital media can be especially powerful. Rather than engage in peers (who are often loud, unpredictable, and potentially judgmental and mean), many children are drawn to playing games in which they can be the beloved main character. Unfortunately, the children who need the social exposure and practice the most are the ones who are most likely to opt out of peer interaction and seek out screen-time as a substitute.
Limiting Play, Learning, and Physical Activity: Functional and creative play are crucial components of child development. Children learn about cause and effect, perspective taking, and creative problem-solving through play. When this is replaced with the passive watching of videos (even the popular ones that are "designed" for toddlers), we limit crucial opportunities to stimulate and challenge the brain. All too often, a child is unnecessarily engaged on a device, such as during a car ride, in the shopping cart, or while being pushed in a stroller. In these cases, the child misses out on opportunities to take in the world around them, engage their senses, and start making connections.
And when a family would rather all sit on the couch with separate devices instead of playing a game together outside, going for a bike ride, or embarking on a family walk, the accumulative effects of this digitally-induced inertia can contribute to childhood obesity and other physical health challenges. Don't get me wrong, interactive screen use can be a great way to bring a family together, but there is a danger when opportunities for physical activity are reduced or replaced altogether.
Impeding Sleep Quality and Quantity: Brain stimulation runs counter to good sleep hygiene. Video games, Youtube videos, cartoons, and movies leave the brain wanting more, and sacrificing sleep allows the brain to access even more digital content. This summer, we observed that our kids continually pushed the boundaries of bedtime further and further back in order to watch "just one more video" or play "just one more video game". The blue light emitted from tablets and smartphones has a physiological impact on sleep quality too. In order to practice good sleep hygiene, we have tried to cut off all screen time early in the evening and ensure that our children follow a set routine that includes brushing their teeth, putting on pajamas, and reading a book or two (a less stimulating form of input) in bed before hopefully falling asleep.
Relying on Screens as an Emotional Regulation Tool: Screens can be so good at pacifying an upset child that there is a strong risk of them becoming the default method for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns. Don't get me wrong, we have all had hard moments and have needed a brief digital vacation. Sometimes we just need to just zone out and watch a favorite show or play a mindless game on our phone. In our family, we definitely rely on screens to be able to prevent our young ones from fighting so that we can watch one of our daughter's soccer games, or to be able to finish a conversation at a restaurant. However, what starts out as a last resort strategy to sooth an upset child can gradually become a primary emotional regulation tool.
When children consistently rely on screens to calm themselves down or as a distraction from actually experiencing their feelings, they don't get a chance to practice building the emotional regulation and coping skills needed to function successfully later in life.
When the situation allows (that is, when we are not in the middle of the Target toy aisle), we have been mindful about actually granting our child (or children) the space to be upset. We can then sit with them in this emotional state so that we can help them (a) process their feelings and (b) learn to regulate themselves. We try to name what is upsetting them (if we know or can figure it out) and verbally acknowledge that they seem to be feeling frustrated, anxious, sad, or angry. It is undoubtedly a much longer, drawn-out process, but it teaches them that they have the ability to identify their emotions and then regulate on their own without needing a digital pacifier.
Screen Time Guidance from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
The AACAP is a professional medical association that offers guidance on appropriate screen use for children:
For Children under 18 months, screens should really only be used as a means to interact with other people (e.g. Face-timing or Zooming with a parent, grandparent, or other family member)
For Children 18-24 months, screen time should be limited to watching educational programming or engaging with educational apps with a caregiver, not on their own.
For Children 2-5 years of age, non-educational screen time should be limited to 1 hour during the weekdays and 3 hours on weekend days
For Children over 6 years old, the AACAP guidelines are less definitive. Caregivers are urged to monitor and limit screen activities, while encouraging balanced, healthy routines and habits that include ample amounts of social interaction, creative endeavors, reading, play, and physical activities
Our Family's Own Guidelines: Our own family guidelines are less focused on strict limits or a specific number of hours per day, and more on being intentional about when we choose to be on screens and the type of content our children consume. Both the adults and children in our family are works in progress, and both parties are guilty of overdoing it from time to time. Here are some of our guiding principles that we try to adhere to:
Social Use of Screens is Preferred Over Solitary Use - Cooperative multiplayer video games and family movie nights are preferred over solo screen use. Even a game that I might have hastily and prematurely deemed as a total waste of time can actually have value if it brings the family together. All six of us have had a great time playing Roblox together - running around as different animals, people, or robots in an open digital world has been so much fun for all of us. We also enjoy building castles and houses on Minecraft together and watching episodes of Just Add Magic on Prime Video. In these contexts, screens become a means to play together, share experiences, spark great conversations, and make family memories.
Educational and Creative Use is Preferred Over Pure Entertainment: We believe that learning, drawing, painting, and building apps are better than non-educational, purely entertainment content. Our youngest son loves to build. Discovering Minecraft has allowed him to conceive of and create elaborate three-dimensional buildings and other structures that would not be possible in real life. He has also learned rudimentary programming using the game's redstone power circuit functionality. We would much rather he digitally design, build, and problem-solve than passively consume video content without any educational value. Likewise, our oldest daughter has learned new soccer techniques and baking skills by watching experts on Youtube.
Have Initial & Follow-Up Conversations about Screen Use: Rather than dictating the screen-time rules in our house, we try to have ongoing family conversations about the pros and cons of screen use. We try to discuss the importance of balance and moderation in all activities, and how our family prioritizes social connection, learning, creativity, physical activity, and new experiences over mindless consumption of media. During these conversations, we have been surprised by our children's insightful revelations about how screens impact their mood and energy levels. In fact, when driving my son home today, he spontaneously brought up that most people spent 7 hours a day on screens, which is the equivalent to 100 days of each year. When asked what he thought about this stat, he replied that he didn't think people should spent more than 2-3 hours on a screen. Our children feel heard and empowered through these types of conversations and sometimes opt to self-impose limits on their own screen use.
Screen Ban at Mealtimes, Wake-Up/Bedtime Routines, and When Out Together: We have had to set some hard limits in our house too. We will not allow our children to be on screens when we are eating together as a family, or when they are first waking up or going to bed. The draw of screens is powerful, and we want them to resist the urge to make digital content the first thing their brain consumes in the morning or the last thing they take in before they go to bed. We will not let screens intrude on our family time either - when out for a walk, out in the community, or even waiting in line - we try to connect, not be digitally connected.
Screen Detox: On a regular basis, we try to go on a screen detox. These will usually last a day or a weekend, but occasionally we have taken a full week break from screens. Sometimes this is a total break from all screens (large and small), while other times we make an exception for watching TV together. While many of these are parent-initiated, on several occasions we have been pleasantly surprised when one of our children asks for one. Through our ongoing conversations, they have developed an awareness of when they have been overusing screens and are starting to feel blah, restless, or anxious. They are gradually developing self-regulation skills. This summer, we have jointly agreed to two separate week-long screen detoxes when spending time with extended family in Tahoe and camping at Pinecrest. Every time we take a break, something magic happens. Our kids start to notice more of the natural world around them. They come up with silly new imaginative games. They rediscover the thrill of riding bikes or swimming in a lake. They learn how to whittle or light a fire using flint and steel. Following a screen detox, our family always feels better - more clear-headed, healthier, and more connected to each other and the rest of the world.
The Importance of Modeling: It is hard for children to limit their own screen use when they see parents consistently distracted by their own smartphones. When we are all together, we do our best to put the screens away. And we make it a point to tell our kids when we need to be on our phones for work, or to coordinate upcoming plans with family and friends so they don't assume that we are just mindlessly scrolling. And when we are mindlessly scrolling, we let them know that sometimes mommy and daddy need to take a short break to tune out for a while (so they are looped in and know that we being intentional in our need for self-care).
Overall, we are trying to raise kids who are thoughtful and intentional with their screen use. While tablets and TVs unlock amazing new opportunities to learn and connect, we want them to prioritize opportunities to go outside to play with family and friends. We continue to battle with our kids (and ourselves) over how much screen time is appropriate, but these conversations have led to some very constructive discussions about personal priorities and how we choose to spend our time.
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