It is only 10am and I feel like I've run a marathon. The alarm went off at 7am and I've been go-go-go ever since. I successfully got four children out of bed, fed breakfast, dressed for the day, sun-screened, lunches packed, and drove them to their three separate schools for drop off.
On my way back, I realize my preschooler is supposed to bring a birthday treat today to celebrate with her classmates, so I do a quick run to Trader Joes. I'm still in my pajamas but luckily I'm wearing a bra so I pull my messy hair into a ponytail and grab what I need. I'll make fruit cups and toss those cute alphabet cookies in. Easy-peasy and minimum prep! Score! I've never been the mom who home bakes birthday treats and I'm perfectly ok with this. I'm a store-bought kinda mom and there ain't no shame in my game.
As I'm checking out of Trader Joes, I get a text on my phone from my 7th grader. (I'll have to write soon about the difficult decision on when to get my child a phone...stay tuned...) He says he forgot his PE shoes at home, and its the first day they are required. Could I please bring them to him? Of course, my boy. Mom is available to pick up the forgotten pieces, knowing you are trying your ADHD best to acclimate to all the new expectations and responsibilities Junior High brings with it. Mom is forgetful often so how can I possibly expect these young little brains to remember everything all the time? Give me grace, give them grace.
So with another sip of my cold coffee, I quickly put together birthday fruit cups and pack my preschooler the lunch I had forgotten to make this morning.
I've been running around for about two hours straight but can't stop now. My girl needs her birthday treats and lunch dropped off at preschool, and my boy needs his PE shoes dropped off at Junior High!
Now, what I've described is nothing surprising or abnormal, it's just parenthood and I'm sure you can all relate to this kind of morning madness.
What is my dear sweet husband doing during all this time?
Well, he is sleeping in bed, as he had a really rough night dealing with treatment side effects.
Am I upset or resentful? Absolutely not.
Why? Because our marriage is only successful if we meet each others needs, and right now, my husband needs to focus solely on himself and his health.
Could I have used an extra pair of parent-hands this morning? Absolutely.
Did I give him a hard time about not being helpful and list off all the things I did for our family as he was in dreamworld? Nope.
In our fifteen years of marriage, we've learned it's best not to keep score. Because a healthy marriage isn't always going to be fair or equal. It's a give and get and sometimes you give way more than you get, while other times, you are on the receiving end of all the getting.
I understand this is a tricky way to live, and we must be aware when the balance of give and get never seems to tip in your favor. I certainly am not suggesting you should be a martyr and serve your partner as if it's your duty in life. I am, however, sharing the best tip I ever got about marriage that still carries me through it today.
My parents were high school sweethearts who married at just 19 years old. They had me at 21 and by the time they were only 25, they ran a busy household full of children and worked tirelessly to provide for all of us.
Statistics should not be in their favor, as most teenage love stories end in divorce, but my parents celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary last week and are still hopelessly in love with each other.
When I married Ty, all the newlywed bliss made it hard to imagine ever falling upon hard times or falling out of love with each other. But, of course, like all new things, the shininess begins to fade and the tightly woven threads of love can unravel. I can't recall exactly when I began to sense that our newlywed bliss was being replaced by harsher realities, but I do remember asking my parents what was the secret to a good marriage.
Without hesitation, they both told me their secret:
"Notice when the other person is struggling and be willing to step up and carry them through the hard times until they are strong again."
This advice has carried Ty and I through two cross-country moves, three major fixer-upper home renovations, four pregnancies, a miscarriage, raising children, a handful of mental health diagnoses, cancer, chemotherapy, cancer returning, career changes, and countless other life events.
Ty is making the ultimate sacrifice right now as he battles cancer. He's been forced to set aside his entire professional career, the one he worked so hard to build. He's had to be poked and prodded and cut open multiple times as the doctors cut away tumors.
The way I see it, he is at war with cancer and has entered the battle field, so I must carry the rest of our beautiful life for both of us until he is back from the war.
It's my turn now, to carry us, as Ty carried me so many times before. When I was pregnant and nauseous he would bring me cheese with pickles and mustard (my pregnancy nausea cure) to my bedside table as he got the other kids off to school.
In fact, in years past, he has always been the main morning parent doing breakfast and school drop off because I was always caring for a baby or getting myself ready for work. When I went through Post-Partum Anxiety, he held me in his arms as I cried and nurtured me back to myself until I was stable again. After those grueling days of early motherhood when the house was always in disarray and dinner was rarely well balanced or home-cooked, he never once made me feel inadequate. He said we were a team and that teammates lean on each other and build one another up.
When my ADHD hyperfocus would set in and I'd get another "brilliant" idea, he'd cheer me on and not make me feel like a failure when my plan would inevitably fail to succeed. I can't tell you how many times Ty believed in me before I did. His steady love pulled me out from under any lies I told myself about why I wasn't good enough or strong enough or smart enough.
When I was weak, he was strong for both of us.
He feels weak today, but he is the strongest man I've ever known and I won't stop reminding him of that until he believes it for himself.
Until then, I carry you with me as you've carried me with you, my love.
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