If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… he’s going to want the Youtube App to go with it.
He’ll want to stay up late watching video after video and won’t know when to call it a night, so he’ll need your help on establishing healthy screen time habits. So far, using the built-in iPhone Screentime limits and app restrictions have been key to imposing external limits while his own self-regulation skills are still in development.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… he’ll have a means to stay constantly connected to his friends.
It’s quite the paradigm shift from having to coordinate playdate plans with other parents to having him take the reins of his own social calendar. It has given him the independence to make his own plans to hang out with buddies, meet up before or after school, ask about forgotten homework assignments (just kidding - this will never happen), and send a steady stream of animated GIFs and memes to each other (a critical aspect of all human relationships these days). He will feel increasingly connected to his buddies as they share group texts, share gossip and inside jokes, talk about how mean and unfair some of their teachers are, and jointly navigate the uncertainty of junior high school life.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… he won’t have the first clue about appropriate phone etiquette.
He will try to pick up a buddy’s Facetime call when eating out with his family or in the middle of doing homework, and might jump on the couch to go on his phone after momentarily forgetting that he actually has a friend over. He will need to learn to resist the temptation to pull out his phone whenever there is downtime, a car ride, or a five-minute wait, especially when with family or friends. Human connection needs to come first, even when his device is constantly beckoning him to pull it out with its alluring siren call.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… you might find yourself curious about checking up on his current location.
The Find My app allows you to quickly see where he is at all times. It grants your child the ability to venture off with his new junior high bike gang while still being able to ensure that he hasn’t been kidnapped or lying in a ditch somewhere (or skipping soccer practice). You will watch his little dot obsessively on the first few days of school as he rides his bike to the bike racks, to a shopping center after school, or to your arranged pick-up spot. You know, just in case an unmarked van pulls up alongside him to grab him…
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… you might discover the convenience of cash payment apps.
You can tap the Apple Cash or Venmo icon in Messages to text him a few dollars that he can use to buy himself a well-deserved after-school treat in the form of a Crumbl Cookie, Starbucks Pink Drink, or handful of Dollar Store candy. It is also a means to treat his buddies to the occasional snack as well, especially after mooching off of them during the first couple of weeks of school when he didn’t have any money. The ability to instantly send him digital funds will serve as a powerful motivator for him to seek out and complete chores around the house in order to earn spending money for future after school indulgences.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… he’ll want to Facetime with his buddies.
This is a crucial means of regular face-to-face contact when some friends end up going to a different junior high. Facetime also allows him to chat and joke with buddies while playing video games together - a combination you might actually prefer to him playing games on his own. There is an important social component that makes playing games together preferable over playing the dark dungeon of his bedroom all by himself.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… you’ll have to be ready to talk about social media.
You’ll have to explain why he isn’t allowed to Snap, TikTok, or post on Instagram just yet. One day, he might be tempted to try a viral online challenge and you’ll have to remind him not to try anything dangerous, hurtful, or stupid (which applies to about 80% of the videos he will want to emulate). He’ll also need reminders that anything posted online stays online forever, so tell him to think twice before posting an inappropriate picture or incriminating video based on a dare or bet from his peer group.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… you’ll have to grapple with the mixed emotions that come with giving your child his own device.
It is a huge responsibility to own a device that technically has access to all of the inappropriate content the internet has to offer. Cell phones are also a means to include or exclude others, to tease and cyberbully, and to exacerbate feelings of depression and anxiety. However, cell phones are also a ubiquitous part of life and are currently in the hands of almost every teen out there. When used responsibly, they offer myriad interpersonal, executive functioning, and educational benefits.
In many ways, denying your son a cell phone would be a much easier and simpler parenting decision. After all, you didn’t grow up with a cell phone, right? While easier, it would also socially disadvantage him during a era when most of his friends already have one or will be getting one soon. Rather than saying no and denying him this important human connection tool, you need to be prepared to have tough conversations. Lots of them. You may be accused of being unfair or too strict when imposing limits and monitoring his online activity. You’ll have to remind him that with great power comes great responsibility. His brain is still developing, and you are here to help him make good decisions related to cell phone use (along with other aspects of his life) until he develops and hones own self-regulatory skills. It is such a gift to be able to discuss these issues together and help your child learn to navigate digital technology. If done correctly, you can help him establish good habits and decision-making skills he will carry with him the rest of his life.
If You Give a Son a Cell Phone… It is yet another sign that your little boy is growing up.
Soon, he won't be your little boy anymore. He may be a spirited, overconfident preteen who knows everything. He may be quick to tell you why you are always wrong. He might be fiercely passionate about life and crave to be the center of attention, or he might be consumed with self-doubt and anxiety. It might also be a little bit of all of the above. While he is very quickly becoming a strapping young man, he might still want to occasionally cuddle with his mom and dad, play with kittens, and spend quality time with his young siblings. Just don’t tell his friends or text them any photographic evidence…
About the Author: Ty Vernon, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years experience working with diverse children and adults. He is also an Autism Center Director and Associate Professor of Counseling, Clinical, & School Psychology at the University of California Santa Barbara. His grant-funded research and peer-reviewed publications focuse on clinical trial investigations of novel, strength-based psychosocial interventions for autistic and other neurodiverse youth and adults. He is also a board-certified behavior analyst, husband, and father of four spirited children. Dr. Vernon has served as a mental health and behavioral consultant and trainer for universities, organizations, and schools around the country and around the world.
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