As 7th grade comes to an end, I want to thank you for seeing us through this past school year. Yes, of course you taught our kids with dedication each day, welcoming their smelly awkward teenage bodies into your classrooms and greeting them with smiles even though I'm sure you only got an angsty nod-of-the-head in response. But I also want to thank you for teaching us parents, too.
This was my first time sending a child off into the Great Beyond after 7 years of being coddled in the sweetness that is elementary school, and it was a hard transition! You made it much easier though, Junior High teachers, with your steadfast presence starting that first day of school and your confidence to be around the most confusing age group of children that exists. You chose to work with Junior High aged kids, which already makes you a magical wonder of society.
When I dropped off my son that first day, I had to force the lump in my throat to sit firmly in my stomach instead, as it felt as though I was dropping him off into the great unknown with nothing but an empty backpack and a bottle of water. Like on that show Survivor, but the quad of any Junior High campus is far more challenging than being stranded on an island!
I drove away dreading what could happen to him, a little dude who had yet to hit puberty, with an ADHD diagnosis that makes him awesome but also impulsive and forgetful. Would he be bullied by the extra large 8th graders? Would he become a bully? How would he possibly manage to find all six of his classes and remember what each teacher's expectations were? Would he know how to get hot lunch?
WOULD HE BE OK???
Of course he wouldn't, but thanks to you, Junior High teachers, you made sure he would learn how to be ok. You made it your mission to be so fully present those first days of school that my child knew exactly where to go and who to find if he got into trouble. You quite literally held his hand as you taught him how to navigate Canvas on his iPad, which is where we'd learn every single school-related thing can be found in the Junior High world.
The first weeks of Junior High were delicate and vulnerable as we slowly adjusted to this new stage of parenting, similar to how we all felt when our babies were first born or took their first steps.
Were we doing it right?
How much do we still hold onto them without making them feel smothered? How do we let them learn for themselves how to fail without letting them hit rock bottom? How do we keep them safe when they are so clearly pulling away from us?
My Mama Bear instincts wanted to keep track of his every move and stay in control of his life, but my heart told me it was time to see what my baby bear could do on his own. So I let go, slowly at first, until I began to understand how amazing it is to watch your little boy step out into the bigger world beyond the childhood version you created for him.
The Junior High campus became symbolic in its own weird way, where my son left our house each morning as a child and entered into the teenage world once he arrived at school. It was bittersweet, as all childhood milestones are, but it also felt right. This age is tricky, as kids are caught between childhood and adulthood, with the difficult teenage years cocooning snug inside these two stages.
For the first few months of school, we'd load our son's bike into the family Suburban where we'd drop him off on the curb outside his old elementary school. His buddies would all gather there, a tweenager biker gang of sorts. I loved how they started their morning journey from the school that saw them through childhood, and I hated that my mind filled with anxiety as they rode away knowing they were no longer under our protective wings. I'd often imagine the worst-case scenario, as parents do, and even though I trusted my son's ability to ride a bike and follow the rules of the road, I had zero trust in the countless drivers rushing down the road on their way to work.
To ease part of my anxiety, I allowed my son to have a phone in his backpack so that I could locate his whereabouts and so he could contact me if he needed. To be honest, for the first several weeks, I needed the reassurance of watching his little dot on the map of the Find My app move from where I dropped him and his bike off until I could see the dot arrive safely at the Junior High. It became my favorite "show" to watch each morning and afternoon, and I'd feel a false sense of control as I logged into the app that showed me a second-by-second update until he was safely back at home.
Another embarrassing thing I did was download the PulsePoint App, so in case I heard sirens blaring in the direction of his school, I could find out if there was an emergency where my son may be. I was terrified of him getting hit by a car as he rode his bike to school, but I knew I could not let fear be the ruler of my life or his, so I continued silently fighting the fear until faith took over.
I was in awe of the boy I was raising and could see glimmers of the man he'd become. Once I allowed him some independence, he had opportunities to learn how to trust himself and rely on his own instincts, which is how nature designed parenting to be, right? Our hope as parents is that our children learn how to survive this crazy world on their own.
Teenaged Accountability and Self-Advocacy
By November, our new parenting stage felt steadier and I felt my feet planted firmly on the ground once again. With the help of the teachers, who lovingly but firmly guided us parents to give our 7th graders self-advocacy rather than advocating on their behalf, we began to see our children flourish.
If they got a bad grade on a test, we were encouraged to have our child reach out to their teacher rather than sending a message ourselves. If they did not do their homework, they'd be the one talking to the teacher the next day. We were told to closely monitor their work using the Canvas App, to stay in tuned to what they were learning each day in class, while giving our child the sole responsibility of communicating their needs to their teachers. This would be a life skill that would go far beyond Junior High and I am eternally grateful for the teachers for gifting our children with this.
It became apparent that Junior High was a place where kids could try and fail safely, where grades were important but would not determine their future the way high school grades would. At Open House, where we got to sit in each classroom for a few minutes to meet each teacher, it was clear they knew these 7th graders would enter the year as children and end the year as full-blown teenagers.
One veteran math teacher had been in the Junior High trenches for several years. She looked at parents sitting at the desks in her classroom and I'm sure she saw us as timid and curious as her 7th graders. She told us that she holds extremely high expectations for our kids and that this year would not be easy. She told us that it's often the first time they will experience being held fully accountable for their behavior and their work ethic, but if we parents are willing to let the teachers work their magic, we'd get to watch them unfold into better humans because of it.
As we begin the last weeks of school, my heart is bursting with pride for all the ways my son has grown this year. I'm also proud of myself for choosing not to allow fear and selfishness to make decisions for my son. Rather, I gave my son the gift of trust by letting him ride his bike all the way from our house to his school each morning, something I never imagined being comfortable with.
Because I trusted him, he began giving me his trust in return and he wasn't afraid to ask for more independence afterschool, riding his bike to get burgers or smoothies with friends and riding around the neighborhoods with his buddies. He even confided in me several times about being offered vape pens and felt safe to ask me questions about what drugs felt like and why some of his peers wanted to do them.
Yesterday, my son asked if he could ride his bike around town with his friend, and I had to hold back my urge to say no and instead told him to be safe and be back home by sunset. Life felt strangely like it should be, like I should feel safe letting my child ride bikes in his neighborhood without needing constant supervision. I was thankful that I live in a community that is safe enough for kids to ride bikes alone, but I acknowledge that isn't the norm for so many parents.
No matter where we live, there is no guarantee our kids will come home safe, but without giving them opportunities to be part of their communities without us there, they may never learn how to become fully formed adults.
Like it or Not, Change is Inevitable
I'm not going as far as saying this transition to junior high was easy. It was not. But with the guidance of the highly qualified teachers and by following my son's lead rather than making him only follow my lead, I've begun to enjoy this phase of parenting.
I miss the toddler version of my son when he'd pretend he was a dinosaur, and we'd spend our days exploring parks or cuddled up on the coach watching Curious George. I think I'll always long for those precious days and wish I could hold their tiny hands just once more. But there is something equally wonderful about parenting him as a teenager.
He makes me laugh out loud with his quirky jokes and I can't help but think back on my teenage days of using "Pager Code" to talk to my friends as he uses slang like "That's Fire", Drippy" "That's gas." Parents are not meant to understand this, so let's let the teens have this one as we adults sound completely ridiculous when we use it anyhow.
The best thing I've learned from you, dear Junior High teachers, is to be a safe space for our kids to come home to at the end of the school day. Our newly minted teenagers need a sense of independence so they can share their own gifts with the world. In the meantime, I'll be counting the days until summer when I can maybe enjoy him being a kid a little longer.... since high school is just around the corner.
Loved reading this, as I raised 4 sons and saw them all go the Jr. High phase. One got lost and not accepted during those years which overflowed into HS. In his freshman year he couldn't cope and dropped out school. We tried home school and other options but nothing worked for him or me. Finally he tried living with an aunt in a different locality but that didn't work. Eventually he got a HS Equivalency degree and did go to college and graduated. Now has a good job and supports himself. But no one was there to catch him during his Jr. High years-teachers are so important. Great article. Lin Floyd