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Co-Parenting During Conflict: How to Resolve a Disagreement When You're Both (Sorta) Right

Updated: Oct 26, 2023

We recently received word that a friend of our son had had a rough day at Junior High. This peer had been hanging out with a group of boys at lunch when a few of the older, much larger 8th graders started making fun of him. My son and a few other peers (all close friends with this boy) hadn't joined in on the teasing, but they also didn't try to stop it or defend their friend (perhaps due in part to the intimidating size differential between many of the 7th and 8th grade boys). Instead, they stood by and did nothing as their buddy was ridiculed. This boy understandably came home feeling embarrassed and distraught.


As word spread of the incident, we felt the need to talk to our son and process what had happened. Erin and I then offered sage wisdom on how to handle similar incidents in the future. The only problem - we told him exact opposite things. And both of us were right - just for different reasons.

A couple arguing in the car

Think Things Through & Make Good Choices


Erin provided our son with mature, intelligent advice. If someone is getting into a conflict with a much larger person or persons, you keep your head down and don't draw attention to yourself, lest you become the new target of the unfolding verbal (or physical) onslaught. You don't want to poke the bear, so to speak, but you can still support your friend afterwards and let them know that you are there for them and on their side. Because our son had already been in two fist fights the previous year, this was the most prudent advice.


Erin was focused on the value of making good choices (with a side of self-preservation).


Versus... Defend Your Friends


I, on the other hand, advocated for a more...well, responsive course of action. I conveyed that friendship is sacred, and being fiercely loyal to your friends means that you stand up for them - No matter what. Long before I was a parent, college professor, or child psychologist, I was a rugby player, a wrestler, and the occasional bar fight ender (never a bar fight starter, because I'm a gentleman). On or off the rugby pitch, if someone messed with one of your mates, you had their back. Even if that meant taking on a 300lb prop who's biceps were bigger than your thighs. You momentarily suspend your instinct for self-preservation and defend your friends - no matter the consequences.


Don't get me wrong - in this junior high context, I was not suggesting that he fly in with a surprise haymaker from the back row (although that would be cool to watch). A simple "Hey, stop" would have sufficed. Even a "Bruh, he's alright" as a means to vouch for his buddy would have been acceptable. But for me, standing idly by while a friend is teased and made to feel excluded is completely unacceptable. In life, you end up with very few people in your corner. Make sure you back them up with everything you've got.


I was focused on the value of unflinching loyalty to your friends.

Co-Parenting When You Disagree...


As Erin and I simultaneously offered our conflicting guidance to our increasingly confused son, we ended up smiling at our dilemma. In that moment, we realized that despite our diverging messages, we were both right. We both wanted what was best for our son (and our son's friend). We were just each focused on a different value that guided our thinking. Erin was preaching on the value of making good decisions and carefully thinking through one's actions (which our son had wisely done). I, on the other hand, had provided him with an unsolicited sermon on personal integrity and what it means to be the guy who always has their friends' backs.


The absurdity of the situation and the lightheartedness we used to approach the discussion actually gave us space to listen to each other and validate aspects of the opposing view. In past parenting disagreements, we have taken things way too seriously, dug in, and even declared war on one another. Nowdays, Erin and I are now working (slowing but surely) to co-parent with openness and curiosity towards each other's viewpoints, especially in the face of the increasingly challenging situations our children find themselves in.


A couple fighting in the bathroom

Steps to Resolving Conflict While Co-Parenting

  1. Be quick to listen, and slow to speak. I am definitely a slow learner in this regard, but I am trying my best to improve. Most human beings don't listen to each other; they just wait for their turn to speak. Try listening with curiosity and assume that you are being handed a gift: the opportunity to hear a completely different perspective.

  2. Use questions and comments. Asking questions shows you are committed to the process of fully understanding your co-parent's argument or perspective. Be sure to ask curious questions genuinely meant to learn more about their opinion ("Can you tell me more about that idea?"), not critical questions intended to criticize and find flaws in their argument ("How can you be so close-minded?!?!"). Repeating or rephrasing what your spouse or co-parent is saying can be a helpful strategy if you feel the need to comment. Summarizing what you think you heard shows that you were paying attention, and also allows them to correct you if you weren't paying attention the whole time...

  3. Assume they are right. This is a tricky one. Here, you need to suspend the default assumption that you are correct and assume that your co-parent is actually right. It sometimes helps if you pretend you are a lawyer hired to defend your partner's point of view. Even if you personally believe that your "client" is wrong, act like it's your job (sorry, this one's probono) to defend their take on the current situation. What are the merits to their argument? Do they have a valid point? Are they at least partially correct?

  4. Validate. In this step, you articulate the merits of your co-parent's point of view. In other words, you state that they are (at least partially) correct, and then you tell them why. Even if part (or most) of you is still clinging to your side of things, this is your chance to prove that you are a complex human being with the capacity to think about and consider multiple points of view simultaneously. Try to recognize the respective merits of these conflicting arguments. Need a script to get started? Try "Even though I think (or used to think) X, I think you were right when you said Y..." and go from there. Telling someone that they had or have a great point or idea is never a bad thing.

  5. Own Your Incorrectness. The final, hardest step. If you are like me, you would rather sleep on the couch than admit you were wrong. However, over the course of listening to your co-parent, asking questions, summarizing their point of view, assuming they are at least partially right, and validating their opinions, you are likely to realize that your perspective is perhaps not as iron-clad as you originally believed. This is where the final, most crucial step comes in. You have to own your incorrectness. Start your sentence with "Hey, I'm sorry. I thought I was right, but after listening to you, I realized that I'm not..." and go from there. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be genuine.


A man and a woman arguing in the park

But I'm Right!

What happens if you go through these steps and still believe you are 100% right? I'll tell you right now: You're not. Sure, you might even be 80% right, but if you believe that your partner does not also have a valid perspective, you're the problem. It's you. This level of stubbornness says you value being right over actually having a relationship. Repeat these steps again (slowly this time) and maybe get a neutral friend (or therapist) to weigh in on the situation as well. Even if you are objectively 100% correct in an argument (which is very unlikely), relationships require a give and take that may require you still make concessions in order to preserve the relationship.


The ability to own your incorrectness and admit you are wrong is a crucial ingredient in a healthy adult relationship.


This admission alone would likely prevent the vast majority of breakups and divorces that currently plague our country. It would also prevent a lot of unnecessary conflicts, fights, and wars. No one can be right all of the time. You are no exception.


Note: I recognize that there are some folks in very toxic relationships who are victims of constant verbal abuse, gaslighting, and potentially unsafe situations. You are not obligated to listen to, believe, or validate the opinion of anyone who does not treat you well and respect you as a person, but please stay safe.

Back to the Junior High Saga...


Erin was right (or at least more correct), in my opinion. I should not advocate for my son to engage in mortal combat with opponents twice his size (if just slighter larger, then maybe?). Later on, when I jokingly asked my son and another friend what would happen if they teamed up to fight this large 8th grader at the same time, they looked at each other, smirked, and quickly agreed that this Goliath of a boy would have just beat the crap out of both of them. Sometimes staying safe is the best approach. For a son with ADHD, taking a moment to think through the consequences of your actions is never a bad idea. And that is what our son did. Bravo son for making the wise choice.


However, I was right too (at least I like to tell myself that to save face). Erin and I agree that being a fiercely loyal friend is one of the best titles you can hold in life. And there are many subtle, tactful methods for preventing or stopping a friend from being teased that don't involve brandishing toothbrush shivs or doling out roundhouse kicks to the face. We expect our son (or the combination of our son and group of his buddies) to collectively attempt to stop bullies and shut down attempts to tease any of them in the future. Even an attention-shifting "Hey, let's all go play basketball" or a subtle vouch like "hey man, he's cool" can go a long way.


Of course, if my son is ever sent home for going scorched earth on a bully who has harmed one of his friends, I will probably have to reprimand him and have a long talk about the consequences of his actions. Later on, however, I just might take him out for ice cream and tell him how proud I am of him for standing up for one of his buddies.

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